Family

Family is an essential part of life. 

You may be arguing my point already but let me explain!

In my head, my family was the cause of my problems but also ended up being the solution as well. I had deep imbedded feelings that really caused me grief and sadness. I was angry with members of my family. I felt that they had wronged me, and they could never make up for it. I felt that they had done things that hurt me that could not be healed. I was so broken with these thoughts. Hating my family, the people around me most, was awful. I felt awful. I felt like I was so alone and isolated all because I was angry. At this point i had to make a decision, be miserable while "giving them what they deserve" or work through my problems.

This was a long road to getting better. it started super rocky and still filled with anger. Not very effectively I shared my feelings with my dad, sister, and mom. At first some of the messages I was sending did not come across well but as time went on, things got clearer and clearer and I got the apologizies I wanted and needed.

NOW, I am on good terms with both parents and my sister and it feels great. I have many more resources and people to talk to. I feel a lot more love and acceptance. I am better able to stay afloat and accomplish things.

I know you are probably saying, “well that’s just you, my family isn’t important to me”. Trust me they are. There are so many studies that have been done that show that family involvement, relationships, and support is a key factor in mental health.  I do understand however that it takes a toll on those that are the support system. It can be stressful and deeply affect the members of the family but with the help of the family, everything is possible It gives everyone a sense of being a part of something bigger than themselves, a sense of belonging, a sense of home, and a multitude or recourses.

When a family goes through hard times, they can be brought together and form stronger bonds than ever before.

Obsessive thoughts?

All growing I would just think so much about planning and loving on people. My mom had to make a rule that I didn’t plan my birthday party until it was 1 month away because I would literally mention it all the time. I would get the Oriental trading magazine and circle and piece together what i thought could end up being the perfect day. I used to obsess about a haircut and nag my mom NON-STOP that I wanted and NEEDED one. If something came into my head, I would think and think and think about it like no other. Wait I’m speaking past tense.... I should be speaking in the present because I STILL do it. That’s right. Before my husband proposed, I obsessed at looking at rings and wedding things on Pinterest. I asked everyone around me if they knew anything and bugged my mom (that poor women) to tell me if he had asked permission. I nag my husband now about cravings I am having or the new running shoes I need.  Wanna know what is worse. I say this stuff to myself, think about over and over. It runs through my mind like a looped video. There are things that I obsess about that don’t even make sense to obsess about. There are times that I have multiple things sprinting around in my head. At night, I am usually exhausted strictly because of the thoughts I had that day, let alone all the school work, friends, family, and life choices to worry about. I don’t even understand the thoughts that go through my head. Another form of obsession, one I see for myself, is my nightmares. It sounds weird to call it an obsession, but it is. I cannot just wake up from a nightmare and it be over, nope. They are so vivid that I used to believe they were real. I still do on occasion, but I usually can identify them as nightmares but then I can’t stop replaying them in my head. Randomly throughout the day, in class, driving, walking, eating, no matter what im doing, my nightmare will flash across my eye. Even nightmares from 3 nights ago or a week or even a month. I have this one nightmare from when I was little that still pops in every once in a while. This is when I’m awake so you can imagine my sleep.   Family is what can get us through the hard times. They are who build us up when we need help and pick us up when we are down. They are the ones that God gave us to get through this life. Our families are the people that we are tied to genetically and sadly they get what we feel because genetically they do too. “well my parents are diagnosed with …” Well neither are mine but they know what its like to be in a dark place. They know what its like to feel alone.These obsessive thoughts, these nightmares, these things affect way more than just me. They affect my family directly. I’ll be mad at them for something they did in the dream or take out my frustration of the thoughts on them, or just nag them relentlessly about the thing that is on my mind. They go through so much and I am SO SO grateful for them. They are my heroes for my everyday life and I love them more than they could ever know.They know.So if you can, reach out to a family member, say thank you, say I love you. You don’t know how long you have to say that so do it now.

I'M BACK!!!!!

What is up guys!!! I know, it has been 6 months, but it has felt like SO much longer! Life got crazy for a bit, so I took a break and then I honestly forgot I made this blog. I was having so much fun writing, and it was helping me so much in my personal progression with my mental health. I loved hearing from each of you about your journey or how you related. If you feel like it, comment, tell me about you, make it anonymous, message me. I love your comments, input, and ideas. I am reviving this blog with the assignment and inspiration of my FAML 460 class (Child and Family Advocacy). when given the assignment, all I could think about was this blog and how I could help people with their lives, and how much I loved blogging, so I used the assignment as a means of motivation and reason to come back to doing it.

The middle end of the term is where we left off. So lemme give you an update on my life.

We spent the term crazy in homework as we both we only doing major required classes. We went on dates and temple dates every week, and even attended conference and second time together. Towards the end of the term we had to decide what we were going to do for Christmas. Neither of us wanted to spend that whole time away from each other and wanted to spend our first Christmas together, but didn’t wanna miss Christmas with our families. After a lot of thought, conversations, and family talks, we decided to spend the first week and the actual Christmas day with his family and the second week with my family. Split the time! It was so so fun and special. Kendrick’s family loved Beaker, my dog (ESA) and we got to bond even more, plus my best friend got to come with us also (she is friends with Kendrick and his brother, so it was perfect). 

Kendrick and I revisited the marriage idea a lot. I was VERY dead set on marrying him and knew he was the BEST possible choice for me, and I wouldn't find anyone better for me and to care for me. Come Christmas time I was 100% ready to get engaged and marry this man. I bugged and bugged him and my roommate about us getting married and "when was he planning on proposing" and "the clock is ticking for April". I ended up telling my best friend "if he doesn’t propose by Valentines' Day, I am really going to re-evaluate if he is right for me. I was so impatient. And for good reason, we had said end of the term, Around April 12 or 13, but I did not want to plan or dress shop or anything like that until we were engaged. FINALLY, he proposed on January 12, 2019.. I KNOW exactly 90 days till April 13.

I GOT ENGAGED. NOW, this was the greatest moment of my life. The man of my dreams made it perfect. Even though he lied about SEVERAL things to make it possible, it was PERFECT! He took me to the place we had our first date, even though it wasn't the burger joint anymore, and put lights, and framed pictures of us, and rose petals with candles in a shape of a heart. He got on one knee in the middle of the heart and I just cried! I barely could say yes! I didn't even see the ring; I just knew it was some sort of shining thing and it was a ring shape because it fit on my finger. then He had someone turn on our song (from The Ground Up by Dan&Shay) and he asked me to dance. he held me and let me cry, kissed my forehead and just kept saying he loved me. Half way through the song he finally asked if I wanted to actually see my ring, which I obviously said yes. when I saw it, I cried even more because of how perfect it was. Exactly what I wanted. I knew at that exact moment that this was real, and he was the most perfect man for me. He knew me so well and knew exactly how I wanted to be proposed to, he made it a secret, and he made sure my best friend was there. Then, it was confirmed again that he was the one when we left the building and sat in the car he exhaled hard and said "finally, I can tell you the truth about so many things, YOU MADE ME LIE" hahahaha he hated lying to me! Sweet huh! 

The next 3 months were crazy and stressful. I found my dream dress with both my parents there, cried a lot, planned a whole wedding, and prepared to get sealed (married) in the temple all while being a full-time student in 300 and 400 level classes. Felt like the Longest 3 months of my life. Now looking back, it was super-fast but, in the moment, I could not wait for the term to be over and be able to marry Kendrick.

Finally, my bridal shower came up and I got to go home to California for the weekend. I felt so special with all the people that came. Then Kendrick and my best friend set up a small surprise bridal shower for me up here at school with some key girls in my life. It was so sweet. On top of that, my mother in-law surprised me with a Kitchen Aid and Vita-Mix blende that a ton of members from both sides of their family contributed! I LOVE MY KITCHEN AID!!! 

FINALLY, the time came that we got to go to California, set up the church building/venue, and GET MARRIED. It was a crazy few days, nails, decorating, getting a marriage license, all the things. I couldn't even believe that it was my wedding coming together. It was my dress, my decorations. This was the day I had thought about for so long. Even more, Kendrick was the man that I always thought about. There was no more "hmmmm I wonder who I’m gonna marry" or "I wonder if my husband will be ______" ….. I can’t think that anymore. I know what my husband will be like, I know if he will like this or like that.
This was such a crazy thought for me.

April 13, 2019- Kendrick and Sierra’s Wedding Day

         I woke up at 6:30. I had slept quite well but sprung out of bed (I don’t EVER spring from bed). I was overly excited but super calm. It all didn’t feel real that it was the day. Kayla got there and got to work on my make-up and hair. My sister finally came a looked at my make-up and looked shocked, which scared me, I then saw myself and thought I looked like a drag queen. I panicked but all the bridesmaids and my mom assured me that wedding make up is a bit more dramatic for the pictures. I put on my dress and felt incredible! We left and my nerves went crazy. I wanted Kendrick to think I looked beautiful and I was about to find out what he thought. We got to the temple and we got out of the car. I had to walk over to where he was, and I couldn’t breathe. He finally turned around and just smiled so big and twirled me and told me how amazing I looked. He told me my dress was perfect and even better than he could have imagined. Right after he kissed me, all the nerves were gone. I was READY to marry that man. We went into the temple and did everything we needed to be sealed for time and all eternity.

The sealing was beautiful. It was everything and more than I had imagined. I cried, laughed, and giggled when the sealer said husband and wife! I was a wife! WE kissed over the alter and were able to hug all the people in the room. The second we changed I had someone get my mom, dad and sister because it was important to me to see them before I saw everyone else. Hugging my parents was very emotional. Especially my mom! I swear that women knows how to cry and make me cry!

The reception was beautiful and fun as well. There are things I would change if I could do it again, but I think everyone could say that.

Now, I have been married (WOAH!) for almost 2 months and it has been crazy. Kendrick and I went on a week-long honeymoon, done 6 and a half weeks a school, and had a second reception in Kansas with a week-long trip to Florida with the Gardner side. We have been through different adult decisions and even the option of adopting another dog. (didn’t get her). We are still going to school, finishing the term July 22 and then off to Somewhere for an internship for Kendrick for 7 weeks till the next term.

We each only have the remainder of this term and 2 more terms and then we are GRADUATING!!!!

So that’s the update!!!! I cannot wait to share more with you about mental health, effects on family, and what can help/ helped me. Be on the look-out. Regular postings Fridays or Saturdays!!!